420 ftw
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
