I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
