Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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