Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
