still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
