guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
