if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
