...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
