my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We need a shit load of segways right now
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
