Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so let's talk penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
