Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
