you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
