having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
