if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
