Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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