I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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