Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
