genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
