Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
