I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
