and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
