Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize