I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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