Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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