I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
