Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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