My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Randomize
