I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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