drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I want to fling myself into the sun
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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