Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
