i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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