id be glad to
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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