You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
