I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
