the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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