Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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