Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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