He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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