I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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