I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
