My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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