this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize