Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
