i jhust puked up my retainher.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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