I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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