He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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