I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
