Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
