Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
