Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize