I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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