Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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