i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
