I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
