She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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