I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
