you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
