I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
