why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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