So drunk its hurt
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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